Ella Dawson (But How Are You, Really) | Forced Proximity Interview

Sexually charged beer-pong, queer chosen family, and more!

I feel like I’ve known of Ella Dawson for years, being an extremely online millenial, but it wasn’t until I read her debut romance novel, But How Are You, Really, that I realized I needed to also just know her. And thanks to the incredible timing of getting her book off hold from my local library and her somehow discovering this newsletter separately… it’s becoming a reality! Please enjoy my interview with Ella in celebration of the release of a brand new illustrated cover for all eBook purchases. And for the publishing nerds amongst you, she did a great write-up about the design on her Patreon!

Thanks so much for agreeing to do an interview! Please introduce yourself, in as much or as little detail as you like, perhaps as if you're making small talk over the punch bowl at your college reunion.

Hey! My name is Ella Dawson and I’m a sex & culture critic, which is a pretentious way of saying I write about relationships, gender, pop culture and politics. These days I’m based in Brooklyn, where I host a podcast about progressive romance novels called Rebel Ever After. When I’m not devouring romances, I publish personal essays for my Patreon community. In recent years I’ve focused on trauma recovery and mental health. I am bisexual, a cat person, and a Diet Coke apologist.

How would you explain your latest book to a non-romance reader?

But How Are You, Really is a coming of age story about a burned out millennial who reluctantly attends her five-year college reunion. Charlotte Thorne’s trauma from an abusive boyfriend cast a dark cloud over her senior year of college and her rebound relationship with Reece Krueger, which came to a screeching halt at graduation. Five years later, Charlotte and Reece are back on campus, and she must face how different her adult life looks from how she imagined it as a student. Read it with your cool coworker who wants to unionize your workplace.

How would you explain it to a regular reader of romance?

But How Are You, Really is a second-chance college reunion romance featuring there’s-only-one-twin-XL-bed, sexually charged beer pong, and queer chosen family. It asks: What if your senior year situationship went to therapy and worked on himself? Is it ever too late to ask your friends for help, or to ask the bro who got away for a second chance?

What’s something you wish you knew at the beginning of your writing career?

I wish I could tell my twenty-two-year-old self to stop rolling her eyes when people suggested I read romance novels. I internalized so much sexist snobbery about the genre and dismissed it as anti-feminist and poorly written. What a waste of time and energy! I wanted to read fiction about women and queer folks taking control of their lives and their desires, and romance has been that genre all along. I’m glad I finally found my way to this community and these books that emphasize the value of loving, empowering, swoony partnerships. Shoutout to whoever left historical romances by Suzanne Enouch and Maya Rodale at the little free library near my house — you made me see the light.

What has surprised you about writing professionally?

For the first ten years of my career I wrote for digital publications or my blog, and so there was very little delay between me writing an essay and the world reading it. I had the instant gratification of reader reactions, which kept me humble and adapting to my audience’s interests and questions. Writing a novel was the polar opposite. Instead of spending a few days or weeks on a project, I worked on But How Are You, Really for five years before folks could read it. It was a huge creative and professional gamble, and it forced me to have confidence and faith in my voice and the story I wanted to tell. That process also kind of sucked, if I’m honest! I’m so glad that when I eventually write another book, I can ask my wonderful author friends to read it and give me feedback. Being a professional writer can be lonely, and one way to hold onto your sanity is to create a network of writer buddies who double as supportive coworkers.

What’s your writing routine, if you have one?

I have no discipline or routine, so I am a mood writer to my detriment. Throughout my life I’ve written best when I’m supposed to be doing something else, as far back as writing fan fiction in my notebook during high school chemistry lab. When I was on a deadline to finish editing But How Are You, Really, I just so happened to be living with my mom in my childhood bedroom. In a weird way I think it helped to be surrounded by old magazine clippings and posters from high school theater productions. I always felt like I was supposed to be doing my homework or practicing my lines for the current Shakespeare production.

When I really hit a wall, I’d drive to the public library and find a desk on my favorite mezzanine level overlooking the stacks. My only options were to write or to stare vacantly at dust motes in the air. I need to find a way to trick my brain into believing I’m supposed to be learning the Periodic Table so I can start drafting my next book…

In addition to your debut romance novel, you've also written short form erotica. How do you approach the creative process differently, between romance and erotica and between long form and short form storytelling?

Erotica is so much fun to write. It’s a separate beast from long-form fiction with different goals and challenges. For me, erotica isn’t really about plot or character development. It can be about a mood, or a specific voice, or a premise that I want to fuck around with and explore. Often my short stories are inspired by a crush on someone I can’t have, or whom I desire but would never pursue. It’s that hot ex-boyfriend who is no good for you, or the flirty coworker with the beautiful eyes. My erotica is more experimental and literary than my other writing, too. It’s all about the vibes!!

What hobbies do you have outside of work that aren’t literature-related?

I’m a lifelong cozy gamer. I’m talking about The Sims, Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, Zelda, anything where I can forage for plants and decorate a house and explore a map. An open-world life simulator lets me be creative but “unproductive,” since I can craft characters and their lives without sharing it or monetizing it. My ideal evening is listening to a good podcast and firing up my Nintendo Switch.

Editor’s note: I am also a cozy gamer, and I would submit that Fallout 4 can absolutely be played this way. Speed run rebuild the Commonwealth and fully leveled Charisma to ensure you can have the biggest possible settlements!!! Anyways.

Which of your protagonists would you most like to be forced into proximity with? Why?

I don’t have a deep backlist yet to draw from, so the love interest of my debut But How Are You, Really wins by default. But Reece is worth it!! He’s an empathic older brother type who could make getting stuck in an elevator or snowed-in during an avalanche into a little escape from reality. As a vet tech in training, he’d talk me out of an anxiety spiral by sharing photographs of adorable rescue dogs on his phone. Plus look at his bedroom eyes!!

How do you find new authors and books to try? Are you a casual browser, or do you have a network of trusted recommenders?

I subscribe to as many book feeds as possible, from trustworthy reviewers on Instagram to romance genre newsletters. I try to keep an eye out for debut novels in particular, which don’t always get the same buzz as books from more established authors. Now that I’ve started my podcast Rebel Ever After, where I interview authors about writing progressive romances during the Trump era, I sometimes get pitched by publicists and authors who think I’d enjoy a specific title. I’m always on the lookout for explicitly political historical romances and queer contemporary rom-coms.

Is there a romance trope that’s an auto-read for you? What about one you’re suspicious of unless a favorite author tries it out?

I adore a second chance romance. The author has an extra challenge when their characters are exes: they have to recover from what went wrong the first time around and then fall in love again. There’s even more distance for them to cross to reach each other. It’s hard to nail and so satisfying to read when done well. On the other hand I’m not a big fan of fake-dating; it requires a lot of suspension of disbelief that I don’t always have in me. But Talia Hibbert did an amazing job with it in Take a Hint, Dani Brown. She really delivered on the premise.

What’s a misconception about traditional publishing that early career writers often have, and what’s the truth?

Your first novel is not going to make you rich or famous, but you will get to call yourself an author for the rest of your life. That can never be taken away from you, no matter your trade reviews or your sales numbers. It’s very easy to keep moving the goal posts of success in this industry because there is always something another author achieved that you didn’t: from Most Anticipated lists at the beginning of the year, to celebrity book club picks, to sprayed edges. But most of us wanted to become authors because we loved to write, and you need to protect that love fiercely.

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Thanks so much to Ella Dawson! Make sure to snag your copy of her book, subscribe to her podcast Rebel Ever After, and find her on Patreon, Instagram, Threads, and BlueSky.

Next week, I’ll be recommending books set in theme parks!

What should I be reading next? Let me know in the comments!

Follow me on social: Twitter | Instagram | Bluesky

Available now: my debut marriage of convenience romance Rehabbing the Billionaire! Buy your copy on Amazon, or snag it on Kindle Unlimited! Then, rate it on Goodreads to help more people discover it!